W.T.F. Had the strangest dream last night, I was kind of the outsider freak in this weird little town that had gates and security where I was made fun off and looked down to and constantly judged and put on the spot..nothing of this made me bat an eyelid because I was a girl on a mission (should I say woman by now?) and that mission was to manage to ninja my way back into “Judgy ville” just so I could stalk my ex, yeah sad as it is now ,I realise what I was doing (in my dream): all the trying to talk to someone and try to sort things out ,while he kept hiding or running away from me..I should have taken the hint.
First not so good waking up in the new place, made me get very upset in the end. Started to sink into my old ways and overthink it all , how did he go from about to buy a house together to not wanting to be with me and renouncing to our future together in just a few days? From saying how much he loved me and needed me to ground him , to breaking up with me and putting us all though this separation broken family situation…had there been alarm bells? Did I push him away?……heavy breathing and tears followed, not the way I wanted to start the day, time to rise and shine Sam!
Yet how can I? it suddenly hits me right in the face, and the confusion from it all alone is overwhelming! how could he?how dare he? is there a chance to make it right?would i ever trust him again? and even then I feel guilty and sorry that he may have been suffering on his own not being able to trust in me, to confide and be comforted…and that is heartbreaking.
The feelings are so raw, so strong and sadness smells just like you, like the emptiness you left behind.
Little one has been amazing, truly fantastic and has kept me only feet , busy busy mama life, and I love every minute , she had a couple of bad nights when we separated but is now doing incredibly well and a happy little soul that fills with light my darkest fear..sometimes you need to give yourself permission to feel the blues, not to fight them…and that is what Im doing today, allowing it to hit me and sink, and letting it go.
After 4 super intense days of moving boxes, flat packing them,building Ikea furniture up and getting to the point of reconsidering boxes as my furniture because my fingers (and everything else but specially my fingertips) ache so bad from those allen keys and old screwdrivers.
And that weird yet super intense little dream pushed me to decide Im allowing myself to have a brake from building anything else in a couple days as its made my fibromyalgia flare up incredibly strong, and the pain is an absolute nightmare.
Anyway, morning my dears!
Love, light and cherry kisses
Bohemian Mummy xoxo
Categories: MUMMYS JOURNAL